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Other Stories
Report from Girls College Reunion Website:
Rachel, Clare and Samantha hadn't seen each other since Secondary School. They
rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a
Rachel arrived first, wearing camel Versace. She ordered a bottle of chilled Chablis.
Clare arrived shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses she
joined Rachel in a glass of Chablis
Then Sam walked in, wearing a faded old Barbour, jeans and Wellington boots. She too
Rachel explained that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she
met and married Timothy a Michaelhouse old boy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft house in North London, where Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.
Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her
husband, Clive, is a Hilton Old Boy and a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second
Sam explained that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend from DHS, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots side by side on his willy.
Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurted out that her
husband isn't Timothy, he's Tom and he's clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill, keep a caravan in France and Susan is a junior member of the local Amdram Society.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, confessed that she and
Clive are nurses in King's College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando.
Samantha said that the fourth parrot had to stand on one leg.
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Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit
on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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'OLD IS WHEN . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN ... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN ... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
‘OLD' IS WHEN ... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND'OLD' IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes?
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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